I used to keep a fairly regular blog over at MSN, which I'd forgotten about until I re-discovered it last night. I just finished reading all the entries, and I'm left with the all too familiar want of "I wish I'd known then what I know now". What follows is alot of reflection and updated perspective on things I had to say back then - I'll try and keep things appropriately contexed such that you'll know what I'm talking about without having to reference my previous blog.
To begin with, I started The Dingalls Lunch Hour at the beginning of what I refer to as my Junior year. It was my third year, but because of a missed semester, the university actually classified me as a Sophomore still. But what do they know? Anyway, that was to be my second full year at Purdue, so I was still a little ripe as a student. It was my first year living off campus, which was a life learning experience to say the least - if you want a crash course in learning to manage your money, move out of the dorms. It was also the first year I had a job at college, and that probably taught me some monetary lessons as well.
The one biggest change I think I underwent was in regards to my (school) work ethic. I became lazy. My first two years at Purdue, I was on my homework almost before it had been assigned. Come to think of it, there were times I was on things before they were assigned, a la referencing the syllabi. It was no chore at all for me to crack open the books right when I got back to the dorm and tackle the homework before doing anything else. I'm not sure if it was because the work got harder, or because I wasn't living on campus anymore, or what, but that trend slowly died over the course of my junior year.
Things were really bad around last Christmas - I would regularly put things off until sunday, and would face late monday and tuesday nights to get things completed on time. I finally told myself that I wasn't going to deal with things like that anymore, and I got better at dividing my homework into chunks and dealing with it progressively. I did begin to notice how the workloads had changed from my freshman/sophomore classes. Instead of a lot of problems that took not so long, assignments now consisted of a few problems that could take an hour or more a piece. That's probably what got me into the funk I was in, without me realizing it.
My grades haven't suffered, though. I still haven't missed making the dean's list or getting semester honors, and the GPA is somewhere around 3.9.
I have to eat some of my words about one of my professors - Gerold Neudeck. I had him for microelectronics the first semester of my junior year, and I pretty much hated him (it's a recurring theme in the Lunch Hour). After taking the class, though, I realized he's actually not a bad guy - he really knew his stuff, he just sucked at conveying it, especially on paper (proofreading was not his thing). Turns out he had some incurable form of cancer, and he died in April last year.
I talked alot about coming home. The past year I didn't do so much of that, somewhat because of the crazy gas prices, and somewhat because I just didn't have the motivation. One of the principle reasons I liked being home was to hang around a girl I had a massive crush on. We never got together, and my affections have since moved to another. ...And now she's the reason I like being home. I'm not with her, either... There's another blog post worth of stuff on this topic, so I won't bore you with it now.
I'm still driving the Jeep (Sheila). We got dumped on again last winter (no closings, mind you, but the roads weren't friendly in the least), so having four wheel drive is still proving invaluable. I just wish the gas mileage was better... I still haven't done everything to the Jeep that I'd aspired to, but it is most definitely mine. I put in some subs at the beginning of the summer, and now you can hear me coming from about a quarter mile away. I still need to replace the door/window control panel on the driver's side - a new one is outrageously expensive, so it's a matter of me dragging my butt to a junk yard some weekend.
The computer I spoke of in the Lunch Hour is but a fond memory of mine. I put together a new one last summer, and if you've read the previous posts to this, you know that I plan to do the same in a couple of months.
There was one post I made in my previous blog that sparked some thought for me. I spoke of not feeling like I belonged at school, or anywhere for that matter. It's a feeling that I don't think I really ever got past, I just ignore it. It has a lot to do with my spiritual beliefs - forgive me for the sharp turn I'm about to take.
The semester of school that I missed (medical reasons - read some of the older stuff on the old blog if you really want to know), I was at church alot. ALOT. I felt like I fit in there, like I belonged there, and like I was supposed to be there. My afore mentioned crush went to the same church (this is not the current crush), so that just furthered my sense of being in the right place. That might not have been the best source of insight, but I did feel really close to God, and like my life was pretty much on track.
I returned to school in the fall, but then, come Christmas, was faced again with the situation that I might miss another semester of school. The specifics were that one of my blood tests showed worrysome levels, and I was going to have to go through more treatments which would make school pretty much impossible. Because of the timing of things, I had to decide whether or not to go back to school without any solid information as to if I would actually need the treatments or not. I of course prayed about it, and was waiting for some sort of direction.
Coincidentally (?), this is also when I began realizing that I was interested in the girl I'm currently interested in. I was a bit off on the timing, though, as I'm pretty sure she'd had a thing for me earlier, but I was still nuts over girl number one, and was too dumb to notice. Like I said earlier, more details than are worth writing here and now. So, faced with this decision of staying at home or going back to school, I'm thinking that being able to spend time with this girl wouldn't be so bad.
There were also financial implicaitons affecting my decision. I would end up best, obviously, deciding to go back to school and ending up not needing to leave for the treatments. However, I would end up worst deciding to go back and ending up having to withdrawl. Staying home was the middle ground, but was going to be enough of a drop to be considerable if I ended up not going back and not needing the treatments after all.
The night before I had to make up my mind for sure whether I was going back to school or not, I thought for sure that God was giving me a sign. I came home after hanging out with some friends, and opened the fridge for a snack. Dad drinks skim milk, which is nasty, so whenever I'm home, he buys some 2% for me. Inside the fridge was a fresh gallon of milk, which, for me, was going to be impossible to finish in half a day (if I was going to be leaving for school the next day). So, I'm thinking, the only way I'm finishing that is if I stay home, so that's what I'm supposed to do.
The next day, my doctor calls, and says he wanted to give me his advice on what I should do (he knew my financial concerns as well, so he genuinely wanted to help out). He said that I should go ahead back to school, and deal with things if they should need dealing with. I decided to change my mind and take his advice, and I drove back up to school that afternoon.
It turned out that I didn't need the treatments, and the weird test levels were just that. Ever since then, though, I haven't quite felt like I made the right decision. I think alot of it has to do with the girl, who I'm still infatuated with, and who I still haven't actually dated. I do feel distanced from chruch, though, at least compared to what I used to be. And I definitely feel nowhere as close to God as I used to.
I'm not doing badly at school at all - I'm doing great by all standards. I have an awesome job lined up for after I graduate (where I'm at now), and my future is pretty much destined for good things. I just wish I felt like that's how it's supposed to be. Anyway, there's your glimpse into my head. Yes, it's dark, and there are alot of sharp corners and sudden drops. I'll try and remember the flashlight next time.
So, looking back, aside from the whole "belonging" thing, I guess I'm pleased with how things have gone. We lived in that apartment for two years, and we're moving into a (brand) new one this year. We're all graduating this year, so it's pretty much my last taste of non-adult-ness. Real world, here I come... Where's the bathroom?